Yesterday, at our pre-natal class, the instructor told us to count the baby’s movement after I eat. I got do excited, like, oh my god that’s gonna be so fun! So I downloaded a fetal movement app and after dinner I broke out my phone and tried to feel the movement. Then Jay saw what I was doing and said, “You don’t do that now.” Just from that, I got super NOT EXCITED and just deleted the app. I was sad. Like what a fucking killjoy. When I’m excited about something, I’m really excited. But once I get a negative vibe, I can no longer be excited.
He looked it up and said, “it says to do it after 28 weeks.” I responded, “I don’t really care anymore.”
Sometimes I’m super excited about being pregnant and sometimes I just wish I wasn’t.
I was advised to write everything I feel down whenever I feel sad or mad or whatever, so I don’t take it out on Jay for no reason.
Lately, I’ve been getting really jealous of Jay and his relationship with his family and friends. Only because we’re surrounded by them all and they’re all from the same village and don’t have any other friends from any other village. It gets irritating to me because I want to start OUR LIFE not just me settling for HIS LIFE. I get mad because I want to move away and do our own thing but he’s too pussy. Like “cut the umbilical cord!” I know family and friends are important but I’m such a selfish person where I think I should be the most important and ya. If you’re reading this, it’s possible that you may think he’s a bad boyfriend. BUT PLEASE DO NOT MAKE MY FEELINGS MAKE YOU THINK THAT! He’s like the best boyfriend ever. Like, literally. Is your boyfriend willing to wipe your ass after you’re done taking a shit? Mine is.
This is just me saying how I feel. And most of it is selfish.
And I also think because he’s from the same village as my dad, that he’s going to do the same thing my dad did to my mom. Because he’s so caught up in his own Santa Rita life and not willing to experience the rest of the world, I feel like eventually we’ll have a breaking point where we’re not on the same page and then eventually break up.
Love is a sacrifice. I’ve always been open to whatever Jay wants, but if my opinion and need to have a life of our own isn’t his view too, then I don’t know how I can love. This is where I realize that I do not know how to love. I’m the queen and if things don’t go my way, then fuck it. That’s how I’ve always been, but at least I know I don’t know how to love. Ok. I’m done.